my existance will always be full of misunderstandings, understatements, as well as things left unsaid.

to strive for such things as clearity, favor in your direction, and zen is the thing of the past which only brings along diappointment.

there must have been a point where i lost the ability to feel in all the strive to make all those around me happy.

as if breaking one's back to draw some kind of conclusion from the wreakage were so, it'd be the understatement of the year.

there's a point where you realize that it WAS all for nothing.

and far better why would you ask a question you already know the answer to.

i know that no matter where i run to there will always be parts of me left behind and pretty soon i will have run so much there is nothing left to leave.

one can never just "disappear here".

i think it's time for meds.

how can so much dysfunction be wrapped up in one life.

it's like an underlying domino effect which unravels beneath you just when you think you are taking the route you must/want to.

to be living a facade that your life is one big lucid dream where you can walk unaffected and change where you deem necessary. it's lies and the extent of my naive personality has done me so very wrong that all routes traveled from this point will lead to disappear of everyone.

people i thought were the ones who caused so much turmoil and conflict to my emotions have proven me otherwise. though the bridges have been burned and as much as underneath it all i believe i want to erase all the words and keep on the same path; i know i don't have the energy or the want. it's all just a lust to feel something good. but the truth is it's not about you or your feelings; it's about self preservation; wanting to feel something after denying yourself for so long. you can not choose your fate as much as the next person.

in all my naiveness i've let my disease take over. one where i assumed all would work out, no one can tell. to medicate myself would cap any creativity i contain. and as painful as it may be my creativity stems from my misfortunes.

in a period of 24 hours i was told by almost everyone i encountered how different i've become. and everyone of them is so correct. how can i deny that only months ago i was sure of who i was and where i was going and now i feel as though i am pandora and all the assurance i once kept is gone.  any decision i make from this point on will hurt everyone. i must prepare myself for after the end of this summer i will have no one. my fate has been sealed and the stones have been cast. my future is in the hands of my unconscious; and it and the disease have about almost taken over. what was once a containable figment is now a presentable entity which will only deny the sanity so sought after.

i've turned a new leaf not out of want but out of necessity. never did i think i would make it to this point. but as i once prophesied i have reached the point of no return.